12. An open letter to all American / Canadian Idol Auditioners

That strange looking machine on the shoulder of the man standing in front of you with that blinking red light on it is a video camera.

cam·er·a [kam-er-uh, kam-ruh]

Noun

2. (in a television transmitting apparatus) the device in which the picture to be televised is formed before it is changed into electric impulses.

Idioms

6. off camera, out of the range of a television or motion-picture camera.

7. on camera, being filmed or televised by a live camera: Be sure to look alert when you are on camera.

----helpful tips----

• Re: idiom 6. This would be a suitable time to rant and rave at the ignorance of the multi-platinum, tried and tested panel of judges for not recognizing your obvious talent. Remember they are stupid and/or lying and/or out to get you. I mean they must be right? You are SOOOO good and they said no. When they said they were interested in finding the best singer in America they didn't count on someone being as awesome as you. Had they included you, their ratings would plummet as the show would have such an obvious and foregone conclusion. You're just toooooo good.
  
• Re: idiom 7. This would be a bad time to perform the above. However, if you must, please be sure to use as much profanity and cry as much possible to both solidify your new image as 'uneducated hot head' and ensure that all your friends will have no shortage of fodder to remind of precisely how undignified you were on international television.
  
• Important note to prospective comedians: THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE, bust out that silly costume or hilarious bit and sit in a line up for 24 hours or more. It'll be worth it when your 15 seconds of air time comes around and a chorus of millions of people can be heard saying "Ok, what the fuck was that?" You're the man!
• Don't be swayed by their ignorance! Be sure to dismiss the professional panel's advice as quickly as possible and resolve to 'keep on singing', remember, they don't know what they're talking about and you, part-time Applebee's server does. Be strong!
• Also, no matter what, don't leave the audition room without giving Simon Cowell a piece of your mind. America, nay the world, will praise you for having 'kept it real' when you said "FU---BLEEEP---K you Simon, you don't know SH---BLEEP---T!"
  
  Oh snap! No you didn't!