Workin' The Magic

Last night in rehearsal Len and I had a good discussion as we worked on our next multi million dollar hit single "A Body of Trouble". Len said, "I wrote this as a song to dance with your girl to" and we got to thinking, do slow songs still have a forum? Do they still play them at school dances? For that matter do school dances still happen? Law and Order would have me believe that the only thing kids do now is have sex parties and kill each other. Not that there's anything wrong with that... I don't wanna judge, that's not what I'm here for.

How do kids hook up anymore? Back in they day you laid down the ground work for days if not weeks in advance of a school dance with the culmination of your efforts coming when the DJ dropped the beloved slow song. The slow song is the best line in the business, a simple "would you like to dance" immediately bought you 3-5 minutes of intimate physical contact.

::important note:: this time frame can be extended to upwards of 7 minutes if you choose the right song. i.e. November Rain and Stairway to Heaven. That being said those who are not skilled dancers should avoid these choices as there is a decided risk of looking like an idiot during the fast part... but I digress.

While I'm thinking about it here are some important rules about slow dancing that you can share with the young men of tomorrow:

1. Don't' smell bad - this is a great rule for all physical contact if not life in general. You know when you're ripe and you stink, walk to the local drug store, go the gym showers, do what you must but after all your hard work, smelling bad can blow out the whole deal.

2. Bad breath. See point #1. Again just good life advice.

3. The power of your words - Under no circumstances should you use the words honey, baby, sweetie, sugar, or babe.. In fact the word babe should be deleted from everyone's vocabulary with the only exception being singalongs to Styx's "Babe" and references to charming talking pigs.

4. Fire down below - If at all possible try to manage involuntary physical responses that result from intimate contact known as 'the boner'. Baring your ability to control yourself, bend at the waist, anything but do not attempt to impale your lovely new friend with your hormone wand.

5. IMPORTANT: No matter what your friends say, no matter how much you've heard about how 'easy' she is... Do NOT allow your hands to shift southerly. This will indicate that you have zero respect for her and diminishes your changes of actually advancing by a factor of 100. Don't do it. Playa tip: Forget the ass, it can only get you in trouble. Try one hand in the centre and the other on the small of her back. I am remiss to explain the power of the small of the back but it appears to be the equator b/w the respect and the slap hemispheres.

6. Singing - I'm amazed how every year hundreds of people show for up American Idol auditions who truly cannot sing. Unless you are 100% sure that you are the next Usher or Justin Timberlake.. DON'T SING! Out of tune singing in her ear will make you uglier than Clint Howard. That being said if you can lay it down... Do it but tread lightly and for god sake know the words, nothing is more embarrassing to you than "AND I SWEAR... By the mo..nnn and STARS.. in uh.mm SKY... mmmm....and I SWEAR... like a mmmm hmm in your side..."

So there you have it... long live the slow song a long honoured and I fear, ill fated institution of cheap feels.

Now everyone go download Dan Hill's Sometimes When We Touch right now and go dance with your best girl or guy. Although holding someone 'till you both break down and cry' to me would imply you're maybe squeezing to hard.