Five Secrets to A Perfect Relationship

Ok this is basically and email forward but it still made me laugh...for once.

Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship

1. Its important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job;
2. Its important to have a woman who can make you laugh
3. Its important to have a woman who you can trust & doesn't lie
4. Its important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with you.
5. Its very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

This is going to sound weird...

...but I hate the holidays. It's this no man's land of work and holiday. I just find it really unproductive and boring. Boring more than anything. Don't get me wrong, work blows too but I get very restless and it kinda drives me nuts.

Jesus That's A Lot Of Candles on The Old Cake Fella

Santa VS Jesus
Originally uploaded by clownfire.

So Merry Christmas,

It's about 2am, I'm at my mom's and I find myself sitting in my boxers with compy in lap, watching televangelists, eating cashews and blogging. I bet 15 years ago tonight as I was over dosing on pre-Christmas excitement I wouldn't have guessed I'd be doing this. I might have guessed the cashews, I've do love a x-mas cashew.

So... yeah it's Christmas huh? I could barely tell. This has been in no uncertain terms, an Un-Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I certainly expected some strangeness given that this is the first Christmas since my dad died but this isn't what I thought it would be.

By and large this day has been met with the same mixture of disbelief and sadness of all the other 'bad days'. However, don't turn your back on serious issues like these. They have a way of striking unannounced.

I was sitting in church feeling normal (sleepy) and then it occurred to me, my dad isn't going to be handing out the presents tomorrow in his bath robe. And just like that it got me. That stupid bathrobe. A seemingly arbitrary, unimportant minor detail of a pretty ordinary memory humanized him for a moment.

However, it's not what you think. While tears did begin to swell it was bittersweet. On the one hand these moments of reality are painful and frustrating but on the other hand, for the first time in a long time I remembered and pictured my dad as the guy I remembered for the other 29.5 years of my life. No tubes, no chemo, no suffering, no dimensia, just a happy healthy guy who was having Christmas morning with his children and grand children. Still at that time very much immortal. I like that image of him a lot better.

Some images I'll never remove from my mind but it's also good to know that some images I'll never remove my mind.

Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone and... welcome back Dad.

VOTE FOR US! DO IT NOW!... please.

Hey sports fans,

Toronto's Eye Magazine is doing their annual readers' poll and we would love it if you could vote for my rock band "The Free Press" and heck, why not give a vote for our website www.freepressmusic.com

They ask you for personal info to vote but you can put in a bunch of junk in there, so don't panic.

Here's where you can vote. It'll just take a minute.

http://www.eye.net/poll/2005/

Thanks in advance and all the best over the holidays.

King Kong

Ok it's like this. I admit I went to go see it. That's my fault.

I'll keep it short. This is one of the top 5 worst movies I've ever seen.

Don't go see it. It's like 3.5 hours long where 2 would have been too much.

Unless you like CG, then go cause there's a lot of that. If you like acting or story or pacing, then stay home.

How To Get A Free Pizza :: Vol. 2

This one is not an Alex original so I got's to give props to bababooey for bringing it to my attention.

Operation: You're On The Air!
Ideal for: Performing Arts Students or those with stones
No of people: 1 or 2

This one is priceless. I am angry that I didn't invent it myself.

1. If you yourself are not a convincing performer then find a friend with a good radio voice.

2. Call up your local pizza place (be sure to *67 the call id).

3. Upon the operator answering drop a script like this on them:

You: Hey, you're live on the air with and on 92.6 The Rock FM. How you doing?

Them: Good, oh my god, I'm on the radio?

You: You sure are. How is work today at Smitty's Pizzeria?

Them: It sucks.

You: Well tell you what. How about if you give a free pizza to the next person who calls up and says "I love the Rock 92.6" and we'll pickup the bill and give you guys a free commercial!

Them: Holy shit, that sounds great!

You: Alright, what's YOUR favourite station for new rock and yesterday's classics

...etc..etc..

4. Call back (again blocking your call ID) and (you guessed it) say the catch phrase.

5. PICK IT UP! (delivery is a no no)

6. Dig in. Free Pizza!

I have eye witness reports of the successful execution of this method. Balls I tell you. BALLS!

Tookie Williams

So it's like this. Like the media slave I am, I got sucked into the 24/7 coverage of the Tookie Williams execution case as it approached the 11th hour.

Now this is complicated for me because I bounce between being an opponent to the death penalty and applying logic relative to the California penal system.

The obvious argument that everyone is being hit over the head with is that Tookie Williams is a changed man and is not the man he was when he was convicted. It's easy to get sucked into that. However, as I got to thinking more about it I realized that I don't actually care about the good work he's done. I'm sure if you got to know a lot of the guys on death row a lot of them will have made a change toward good. A death sentence can be a sobering event.

But all that being said, simply put I think the death penalty is wrong and I'll argue clemency for anyone on death row because I've yet to find a fool proof justice system that can assure me that innocent people will not be put to death.

Look at Chicago for God's sake. The governor had to set aside the death sentences for over 100 inmates because of corruption and unethical behaviour by the prosecution.

Can you IMAGINE, being on death row for a crime you did not commit? David Milgaard owes his life to today to the fact that we as Canadians have more second thought than to equate justice with vengeance. Proponents of the Tookie execution will say that he's had 24 years to uncover new evidence but hey, it took almost as long to get Milgaard out of prison. Good God, if he were in Texas he wouldn't have made it 1/2 that long.

I can't believe in 2005 America, the global cheerleader of humanity and democracy, could allow within it's own borders, practices that I'm sure history will regard as nothing less than barbarbic and archaic. I say this not of the act of the killing itself, which of course we agree is heinous, but of the system's, and dare I say the people's, ability to rationalize their own failures into 'we'll try our best not kill the wrong person'.

Anyway, as I write this CNN is reporting that another man has been killed in Missouri. I guess he didn't have celebrities on his side to warrant more coverage. All the same he's dead, his victims aren't any more alive for it. The families don't hurt any less. No future murders are being deterred as a result. God Bless America.

"Crime and punishment grow out of one stem. Punishment is a fruit that unsuspected ripens within the flower of the pleasure which concealed it."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson. "Compensation." In Compensation and Heroism. New York, Boston, H.M. Caldwell Co., 1900. p 15

Play by Play

Howard Cosell ain't got nothin' on this guy.

If You Think Your Life Is Bad...

Just thank God these people are not your neighbours.

There would be a rock through the window in about 10 minutes on my block.

*I used to have this movie embedded but the music was driving me nuts every time I came to my blog.