Perspective

I received this is one of those ordinarily annoying email forwards but it kinda blew my mind. By this list I'm one of statistically luckiest guys in the world. Add to this the blessing of my boyish good looks and I think I'm doing ok...

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following. There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere (north & south)
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States

80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting with out fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer than 70% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish some place, you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.

If you can read this, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

Geriatrica

Tonight I made the unfortunate mistake of watching “Some Kind of Monster”, a documentary chronicling Metallica’s decent into, if not verifiable arrival at, artistic irrelevance.  All of that notwithstanding it was pure embarrassment to watch the once mighty rock gods who obtained commercial success against all odds look like nothing more than a bunch of soft, contrived, millionaires straight up faking the intensity they practically invented. 

 

At some point a band has to realise that without a concerned effort to grow, they are nothing more than a caricature of themselves paving their way to obscurity or the headline slot at Casino Rama.   In this case Metallica decided that they would return to the their roots and make angry music.  What are they angry at?  Napster?  Their nannies?  The poor performance of the Mercedes 500SL?  It’s just embarrassing.  It’s like me writing an album about what it was like to be in the 1^st grade.  It’s simply been too long and I’d be guessing really.   This to me is Metallica’s relationship with struggle and anguish.  They last thing they struggled for was the respect of their fans after they shamelessly declared war on the very people who supported them when no one else would.

 

As I sat Shiva when Van Halen released that horrible album with Extreme front man Gary Cherone, I must now also declare that Metallica are done.  They are musically dead to me.

 

That being said I’d rather listen to their latest album for the rest of my life rather than hear even one more Nickleback song.  Although that’s not really a compliment, I’d also rather eat hot lava than sit through Nickleback.  Maybe I should be clear.  Nickleback sucks… says the guy sitting around in his boxers  in his 1 bedroom apartment day jobbing it as a corporate bootlicker.  Luckily I know everything.

The Rock Continues

I’m very happy to say that things are going remarkably well in the studio.  It’s exciting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  The road ahead in the next few days is going to be filled with  a lot of work but it’s good to see the band unified toward a single goal.

 

It’s important that we as a band stay busy because it when we’re not recording or gigging JD starts to have a series of coronary events and then we start plotting each others murders.  You know how it is.

 

Michael Jackson Michael Jackson

I just saw a funny thing that I’m sure was not on purpose:

 

So I’m watching the Michael Jackson expose on Dateline.  By the way, when did Dateline become Entertainment Tonight?

 

Anyway, one of the commercials that my local affiliate is running is for a new car dealership, Mike Jackson’s Pontiac Buick.

 

The Right Thing To Do

http://www.equal-marriage.ca/

Do this, do it now.

If you disagree. Leave me a comment so I can call you out for being close minded.

Tiiiiiiiiiime is on my side...yes it is!

So I just did a google search and clicked the 'search' button instead of just hitting enter. No question this was a rookie move, I'm not disputing that. However, I noticed google returned the following message above my results:

"Save time by just hitting enter at the end of your search instead of clicking the search button."

Someone find the efficiency consultants on that info and purple nurple them into submission. What are you kidding me? Save time? It took less than 1 second. Unless you have a big red phone on your desk and every flight you're on is referred to as Air Force One you got time to chill out and make that extra click.

God forbid as society gets fat sitting at their computers that we squeeze out even one superfluous Joule of physical exertion. Ironically, reading that message and this subsequent blog has cost you and I both 2 minutes.

I'm lowering the flag to half mast as we speak.

Russian Dolls

So I'm watching some CNN and they're doing a piece on the latest westerner who's been kidnapped. The kidnappers have released a video of them doing something horrible to the hostage and CNN takes the supposed high road by saying they wouldn't air the tape out of respect, morality, bale, blah, blah.

However then, they brilliantly cut in with a feed of ALJAZEERA showing the same footage and they kill two birds with one stone.

1. They get to vilify Aljazeera as having no conscience and bloodthirsty.
2. They get the same ratings effect of airing the footage themselves, if not more so given the taboo and bootled value. It's the volvo driving intellectual's 'Pam and Tommyesque' guilty pleasure.

So to review, they admit they've seen the footage but have deemed it too graphic for public consumption however they will show you Aljazeera showing you the footage that they deemed too graphic for public consumption while saying, "that's terrible, how can you show that on television!?".

The only thing more amazing than how stupid they think we are is how often they're right.

Workin' The Magic

Last night in rehearsal Len and I had a good discussion as we worked on our next multi million dollar hit single "A Body of Trouble". Len said, "I wrote this as a song to dance with your girl to" and we got to thinking, do slow songs still have a forum? Do they still play them at school dances? For that matter do school dances still happen? Law and Order would have me believe that the only thing kids do now is have sex parties and kill each other. Not that there's anything wrong with that... I don't wanna judge, that's not what I'm here for.

How do kids hook up anymore? Back in they day you laid down the ground work for days if not weeks in advance of a school dance with the culmination of your efforts coming when the DJ dropped the beloved slow song. The slow song is the best line in the business, a simple "would you like to dance" immediately bought you 3-5 minutes of intimate physical contact.

::important note:: this time frame can be extended to upwards of 7 minutes if you choose the right song. i.e. November Rain and Stairway to Heaven. That being said those who are not skilled dancers should avoid these choices as there is a decided risk of looking like an idiot during the fast part... but I digress.

While I'm thinking about it here are some important rules about slow dancing that you can share with the young men of tomorrow:

1. Don't' smell bad - this is a great rule for all physical contact if not life in general. You know when you're ripe and you stink, walk to the local drug store, go the gym showers, do what you must but after all your hard work, smelling bad can blow out the whole deal.

2. Bad breath. See point #1. Again just good life advice.

3. The power of your words - Under no circumstances should you use the words honey, baby, sweetie, sugar, or babe.. In fact the word babe should be deleted from everyone's vocabulary with the only exception being singalongs to Styx's "Babe" and references to charming talking pigs.

4. Fire down below - If at all possible try to manage involuntary physical responses that result from intimate contact known as 'the boner'. Baring your ability to control yourself, bend at the waist, anything but do not attempt to impale your lovely new friend with your hormone wand.

5. IMPORTANT: No matter what your friends say, no matter how much you've heard about how 'easy' she is... Do NOT allow your hands to shift southerly. This will indicate that you have zero respect for her and diminishes your changes of actually advancing by a factor of 100. Don't do it. Playa tip: Forget the ass, it can only get you in trouble. Try one hand in the centre and the other on the small of her back. I am remiss to explain the power of the small of the back but it appears to be the equator b/w the respect and the slap hemispheres.

6. Singing - I'm amazed how every year hundreds of people show for up American Idol auditions who truly cannot sing. Unless you are 100% sure that you are the next Usher or Justin Timberlake.. DON'T SING! Out of tune singing in her ear will make you uglier than Clint Howard. That being said if you can lay it down... Do it but tread lightly and for god sake know the words, nothing is more embarrassing to you than "AND I SWEAR... By the mo..nnn and STARS.. in uh.mm SKY... mmmm....and I SWEAR... like a mmmm hmm in your side..."

So there you have it... long live the slow song a long honoured and I fear, ill fated institution of cheap feels.

Now everyone go download Dan Hill's Sometimes When We Touch right now and go dance with your best girl or guy. Although holding someone 'till you both break down and cry' to me would imply you're maybe squeezing to hard.

Paul McCartney Makes Your Mom Happy

Last night's superbowl halftime show was officially the lamest since Up With People's Superbowl XIV salute to Menudo. How does Paul McCartney feel to be the guy the producers chose when their mandate was absolutely no controversy? It was like Superbowl brought to you by Easy Rock 97.5 FM.

Remember Budweiser, Rock N Roll, Hard Hitting, Mean Joe Green, Curse up a blue streak, FOOTBALL!? This continuing homogenization of popular culture makes me want use a network executive's stomach like a trampoline. BOING!

It's no surprise to me that he waited till everyone but Ringo was dead.

Baaaaand on the run.... KEEP RUNNING!

Man Beaten Into a Coma

I post this on behalf of a friend:

SEVERELY BEATEN IN FRONT OF THE COMFORT ZONE SUNDAY JANUARY 30, 2005 AROUND 4AM DID YOU SEE ANYTHING? HE’S FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE IN INTENSIVE CARE. CALL (416) 222-TIPS or email here

I don’t know this man but I don’t think I have to