The Cure For Cancer Is On The Way

Thank God
Originally uploaded by clownfire.

For years now I've been wondering, isn't it odd that we can't find a cure for cancer? I mean we can accomplish incredible things like landing a man on the moon, mapping the human genome and practically eradicating diseases like Polio. However for all of our accomplishments in the year 2006 I find myself without a rocket car and cancer remains unrelented.

GOOD NEWS! I've figured out why. In my narrow view of the world I failed to realize that there were more important problems that had to be solved first by our top scientific minds before they could move on to more tedious endeavors.

Apparently dogs around the world have been suffering under our tyranny. Disgustingly, man-kind has ignored the vertical plight that our 4 legged friends must endure day in and day out. NO LONGER will our barbarism go unrelented thanks to the people at DogRamp.com.

Ok at this point I'm going to have depart from satirical narrative because only the genre of "rant" truly affords me the voice to express the level of disgust for such tedious, ridiculous devices.

I'll admit it, I am not a pet guy, never have been but I do intellectually understand the whole pet thing, sorta. What I don't get is people who get completely stupid about their pets. That's lost on me. I know people who's lives are driven by the schedule of their pets. "Oh I can't go, I have to walk the dog" or "I have to get home, the dog has been alone all day". Seriously, have kids, they at least eventually take care of themselves.

OH, and on that note, people who talk about their pets like they are their children, that is straight up WRONG. You need to get help, that is an animal, a primitive creature, not even the same species. Take care of it sure... if that's your thing, but you are not it's mother, and it is certainly not your child. Please do not insult hard working parents and disregard the miracle of human life by aligning your choice to keep an animal as a companion to that of the process of rearing a child. Comparatively, that's like someone who sells a couple things on EBay coming up to Bill Gates saying "Hey Bill, running a business is hard work huh? I understand." You give yourself too much credit and your insult those you attach yourself to.

More than anything it's the dog thing that gets me. After centuries of evolution, the building of tools and technology, the creation of economies, infrastructure, complex networks, language, communication and inter-stellar flight, I see people on a daily basis bending over with a plastic bag to pick up the excrement of DOG! That's degrading on a level I can't even watch other people be a part of. It offends me as a member of the species to watch this.

But I digress... The Dog Ramp and its equally tedious companion product, Doggy Steps, are for me a whole new low. For starters, these are a gigantic waste of money. The dog ramp will soon be rendered obsolete by an invention of my own that I am putting to market. The marketing people are still putting the finishing touches on it but I'm pretty sure it's going to be called PIECE OF FUCKING WOOD!

Doggy Steps.... awwwww... look they're like regular steps, but small. Awwww.... if you buy these, go to the doctor and have him check that you have not be lobotomized while you slept. The commercial sells it as a way for your dog to get into bed with you. I have an easy counter to that. Yeah... dogs don't belong in people beds, that's why we make them hard for them to get into. I remember a time when the 'dog house' was something more than an analogy for a man who was in trouble with his wife. Dogs used to be just fine sleeping outside or in more luxurious situations, inside on a piece of carpet. The bed? Yeah, that's where why I directly put my mouth and I don't want to share it with my dogs ass and ball sniffing snout.

Secondly they note it as a solution to dogs with arthritis and bad backs. This was actually a point of education for me, I didn't realize that dogs had arthritis and bad backs. The reason? Up until recently this kind of dog was just called OLD and you just resigned yourself to the fact that soon it would be time to take Rover to the vet to go sleepy time.

As long we continue to have poverty and famine in the world and hungry children and people living on the streets of our own cities, every single owner of any such immaterial and impossibly trivial products should be ashamed of themselves. Next time you bend down, I hope it is to help someone up, not pick up dog shit.

Ok ok I'm done. My rant on pet fanaticism could go on for hours as the stupid products and services abound (Pet photography, dog bakeries, clothing for dogs [see: FUR], day care, etc.)

Now if you'll excuse me the Pamela Anderson celebrity roast is on TV. I guess the difference between me and Rover comes down to one thing...thumbs.